If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
