when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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