she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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