Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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