The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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