You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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