i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
