I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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