you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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