I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
