You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
