Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
