Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
