its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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