part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I am available for nakedness
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
