Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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