toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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