I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
