I got chris browned last night
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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