actually, I'm a sock model
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
