I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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