got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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