Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
