Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
