There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
