I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Don't make out with my wife yet
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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