We're facebook friends in real life
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
