I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
