trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
