so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
