I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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