He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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