i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We left an ass print on the piano.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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