I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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