I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
