Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
