get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
there is glitter all over my balls
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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