I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
