I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
