happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I stole a fireplace last night.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
