I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
His hands were made for my vagina.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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