I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
