Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
