just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
