I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
