I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
