So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
