Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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