Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
