My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
