I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize