I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
