I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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