shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
