I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize