The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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