I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
it glows. i had to have it.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
