ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
