Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize