Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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