my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
