what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I am midnight drunk by noon
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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