wanna go halves on a baby?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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