I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize