i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
